She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
