Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
