All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
