Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
These tits shall not be calmed
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
