There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
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