i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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