My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
