You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
