i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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