That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
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I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
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I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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