Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
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Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
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When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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