i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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