My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
