Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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