When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
