I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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