I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
