I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
