she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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