I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
