some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
