i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
