Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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