Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
