Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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