does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
