nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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