My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
