Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
