im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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