just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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