I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
