Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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