Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
