Kiss
Puke
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
