Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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