Your face is a jimmy john
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
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i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
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i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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