I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
