And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He passed out mid-signature
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
