hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
