two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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