my soul wont recognize me after tonight
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
be right there i have to get my cape
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
