my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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