I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize