i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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