Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
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Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
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Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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