she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
