i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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