Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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