How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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