my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
