i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
