The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
