I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
