I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
