i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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