i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
