My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
