I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
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