Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
